Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Never Grow Up


In a blink of an eye (not literally), it is now my 22nd year of living in this world, and by the way, can you believe that the year 2004 was 10 years ago? Feels more like just 5 years max to me, but that is the bittersweet truth.

This blog post will be a shitload full of mix feelings so prep yourself.




The reason for my sudden (well not exactly SUDDEN, but more of gradual, yet I'm suddenly talking about this topic here, hence the word SUDDEN) realisation of this matter is because I am starting to have the urge and responsibility to do some of the many things a grown up needs to do. First and foremost is to work.

To earn a living, pay the bills, have the ability to support your family if not yourself. I know many teenagers started to work part-time way earlier than at the age of 21/22 but the reason behind it would've been different. At least for me it was. When I was working part-time during my teenage years, it was for my materialistic lust, I wanted to afford that pretty dress, new bag or conversation-worthy make-up products. I didn't know about the more important and necessary things money should be invested on and spent all of my earnings on clothes, food, gifts, concert tickets and what not, things that I most likely wanted instead of needed.

Not saying that I have entirely defeated the crave for wanting to spend on things I don't necessarily need, I sometimes still want to spend on a new phone case, shoes, wallet, bag, it's just that I've started to want something bigger, like a new car, house with beautiful furnitures, my own business, which comes with a whole lot of commitment and maintenance and I began to use that as an extinguisher for my desire to spend on pettier goods.

BUT, I am not saying that spending your hard earned money on clothes, entertainments and a few good meals to reward yourself after a whole week/month/year (whichever you can afford) of jobs well done and stress managing is forbidden, I occasionally do that as well, I just recently bought myself a RM300 bikini for the Bali trip, some of you may think that RM300 for you is nothing significant but did I think it was absurd? Very, to be honest, but I had my eyes on it for a long time and after a month (yes, it took me a month to decide if I wanted to buy myself a new bikini) of consideration, I bought it, I received it, I was happy and excited about life again. Reward yourself with a new 'something' once in a while as the fuel to keep you going in achieving something bigger is healthy, just make sure to spend wisely and within your limits, also remember that those designer shoes can't provide you shelter on cold rainy nights.

A little embarrassed about this but I recently went through a phase where I got pretty depressed about my job, my life and myself. Questions like 
"am I ever going to be successful?", 
"am I ever going to get a raise?", 
"am I ever going to afford my own house", 
"do I like my job?", 
"am I going to stuck here forever?", 
"will I ever have enough money to travel and see the world before I die?", 
"why do I suck at my job?",
"what if my colleagues don't ask me to join them for lunch?",
"am I having depression or do I just hate my job?"
"should I quit and find something else to do?"
"do I hate my job or do I just hate work in general?"
"why am I not good in anything?"
and etc clouded my mind almost everyday and I resented having to go to work each morning. Even when I successfully forced myself to go to work, I put on my resting bitch face, hardly spoke a word, I would start tearing in the middle of work if I started thinking about it, and occasionally my heart raced for no apparent reason and I had to remind myself to take a deep breath and calm down. Thankfully, I had friends who cared enough to talk me through it, and they stood by me the whole time, flooding me with positivity and advices, checked up on me everyday to see if I'm feeling better, and for that I am really grateful for having real and sincere friends around me who genuinely care for my wellbeing. I am an introvert, I am terrible at expressing my feelings and emotions verbally unless written, I'm a very shy and submissive person which probably only my mom and people really close to me would know this. But after going through this torturing phase, I learned that if you want something, speak up and ask for it, but still, some things just can't go the way you want them to, and even so, you just have to suck it up, know your position and deal with your emotions somewhere else because people who don't care about you don't care at all. If you're in a horrible mood at work, hide it with a smile and cry it all out in front of someone who doesn't mind, because this is the most common yet unspoken rule of being a decent, loveable person.

It's safe to say that I am, maybe not a hundred percent but mostly, over my depression, and I can't say that it won't occur again in the future but for now I am fine and I still have a long way to go in achieving all the life goals of mine, which for a brief moment I felt ashamed of, but the thought of it shouldn't bring me down, slowly but surely, every single day I'm getting closer to achieving them and no success is too small to be credited. I find it so strange that as you grow up, the things you want and your way of thinking about life alters along the way. With that being said, the whole idea of writing this blog post came up when I decided I wanted to give this blog a new makeover because as I age, my preferences and style shifted as well. 

And as I'm wrapping this post up, I am utterly amazed by how this one idea of revamping my blog layout can trigger all these personal opinions about life. Woah Nelly, I'm having chains of thoughts here, is this a girl's thing or am I in the midst of PMS?


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